SCENE II Street Scene: Roderigo enters left with Gonzorgo.
Roderigo - It's a cold world, Gonzorgo; unless something turns up, I shall worry myself into a stew.
Gonzorgo - Worry yourself into two stews if possible- one for me!
Roderigo - Is it true what the gypsy said, are you married now?
Gonzorgo - No, my wife passed away a year ago. The light of my life has gone, but I'd like to strike another match!
Roderigo - And here comes a possible flame! It's the Widow Piper.
Gonzorgo - My woodland fllower!--
Roderigo - Why do you call her a woodland flower?
Gonzorgo - She'll grow wild, if someone doesn't cultivate her!
Widow - (entering right) Have you seen anything of a young lady who answers to the name of Mary?
Roderigo - (tenderly) You--Bernice?
Gonzorgo - (tenderly) Infatuated girl, why have you followed me here?
Widow - (recognizing them) Oh, Master Barnaby's friends!
Roderigo - Fate has mixed us up again.
Widow - (to Gonzorgo) Have you forgotten what Floretta, the Fawn of the Forest told me? You are married!
Gonzorgo - 'Tis false, you are the only girl I ever loved. Don't seek further for a husband!
Widow - Find my daughter Mary for me and I shall consider it!
Gonzorgo - What is she like?
Widow - She's only 15, very pretty, and very brainy. Here's a description of her written on this paper. Find her and you may be lucky! (exits)
Gonzorgo - (to Roderigo) If you were a young girl very pretty and very brainy, what would you do?
Roderigo - I'd enter a beauty contest.
Gonzorgo - No, I said brainy. Brains! But if she is going to marry old Barnaby, you could use her for a blue print to make an idiot!
Roderigo - Yes, old Barnaby is 45, and she's only 15. He's three times as old.
Gonzorgo - Yes and in five years he'll be fifty and she'll be 20, then he'll only be two and a half times as old.
Roderigo - Yes and in 15 years he'll be sixty and she'll be thirty then he'll only be twice as old!
Gonzorgo - How long will she have to wait before they become the same age?
Roderigo - (reading from the paper) The paper says she left with someone else. It reads, "The missing twain". Say, what does twain mean?
Gonzorgo - Twain, it means two!
Roderigo - What?
Gonzorgo - Two -two! Twain!
Roderigo - You're too old to be talking baby talk!
Gonzorgo - My dear Watson, this is a very baffling case.
Roderigo - Don't you know a good solution?
Gonzorgo - Yes, boracic acid, that's a good solution. Now the girl has been stolen by some desperate criminial, now let's both concentrate. Who is the worst criminal you know?
Roderigo & Gonzorgo - (point at each other) You!!
(Marmaduke enters.)
Marmaduke - Hold! I'm searching for Contrary Mary! Taking you at your face value, you're both under arrest!
Gonzorgo - You can't arrest us, we've just been appointed detectives. I appointed him.
Roderigo - (indicating Gonzorgo) And I appointed him!
Marmaduke - I will now give you the third degree!
Gonzorgo - Oh good, we're going to join a lodge!
Marmaduke - Have you ever committed any crimes?
Roderigo & Gonzorgo - No! We swear it by our right hands. (they raise their left hands)
Marmaduke - (producing bottle) This is truth serum wine! The liquid lie detector, quaff of it and you will tell the truth. (hands it to Roderigo) You drink!
Roderigo - I'm as honest as (drinks) - as the best bank robber and confidence man. How I laughed when I sold people shares in a Hidden Treasure....
Marmaduke - (to Gonzorgo) And you, you drink!
Gonzorgo - You doubt my honor. (drinks) Wow! I am the king of larceny and arsony. And crooked slot machines!
Marmaduke - Two very desperate cases! What was your most serious crime?
Roderigo - I worked for the Eureka Get Rich Quick Company. I sold lottery tickets!
Gonzorgo - And I sold Stock for the Wild Cat gold mine.
Marmaduke - You are master criminals! (takes bottle) Here's to crime! (takes drink) ...I was The Eureka Get Rich Quick Company!
Black Out or exit of Marmaduke, and dance specialty for Roderigo & Gonzorgo.)
SCENE III The Master Toymaker's toyshop. Workmen discovered: Tom Tom enters from door L.C.
Tom - Thanks to that friendly vine next to my prison windows, I am free! (turns to workman.)
I have a summons for the Master Toymaker from the court Royal!
Workman - You'll find him inside.
Tom - But I do not know him what does he look like?
Workman - You don't know the master toymaker? You must be a new-comer in Toyland!
Tom - I am. But my father came here when I was a lad, and many times he talked about it.
Workman - There is much to talk about here!
Tom - I remember he had many fond memories of Toyland!
NUMBER: TOYLAND: Tom-Tom and male chorus; or as vocal number
(Enter Toymaker from door L.)
Toymaker - Well, what can I do for you? Looking for a pretty toy?
Tom - (indignantly) Sir! Do I look as though I came from the nursery? (hands Toymaker document)
A summons from the Court Royal to the master Toymaker.
Toymaker - (looking at paper) Ah, yes. Say to the Prefect I'll be on hand at the appointed time. Now, run along, little boy! (Tom Tom exits L.C.) Max, the bill for the toys we shipped today.
Max - (handing bill) The consignment is ready, sir!
Toymaker - Put the goods on board at once! The captain sends word he sails immediately.
(Max and Workman exit R. and L.C.)
(Toymaker left on stage. Bus. Places paper on the mantel-piece and goes back to the table, watches the last character off R. Hurriedly closes door, returns to table, pours contents from phial into large flask with left hand; leaving right hand free to work switch after exhibition of sparks.)
Toymaker - (calls) Grumio!
Grumio - (entering) Yes, sir!
Toymaker - The secret I have sought for years still mocks me. A thousand times have I sought to find the element that makes the charm complete. Within this crystal glass, there dwells a score of demon spirits drawn by spells and incantations. There, there, is the charm that will give me dominion over the souls of evil! That I may bid them enter the toys and mannikins.
(works flask again, Jill enters right during his motion)
Jill - (aside) This has nothing to do with toy making I'm sure! I must find out the secret! (conceals herself, in cabinet up R. A knock L.C. Toymaker without turning)
Toymaker - Come in! (Grumio enters L.C. followed by two men. One carries wine cask, the other a table with cheese, cookies, etc.)
Grumio - Here's a cask of wine sent you by an old gentleman named Barnaby!
Toymaker - (rising, going right) Put it down, I'm in no mood for it right now! (exits R.)
(Men places articles and exeunt)
Grumio - I can never do anything right! (takes cookie) I'm bewitched like the place. They say it's haunted! It does seem horrible, Maybe a little drink will steady my nerves! (taps the wine cask and takes a drink) This place isn't half bad at that! (takes 2nd drink) No, sir, this place is all right! (candle drops) Ghosts! Spirits! I'd better get some spirits to fight this! (other business follows, causing additional fright. Jill enters from cabinet) Am I seeing things?
Jill - I'm not a thing, you remember me, I'm Jill!
Grumio - Oh, yes, two Jills make one pint, two pints make on drunk, ...
Jill - You're intoxicated.
Grumio - Don't talk like that, girls!
Jill - Girls?
Grumio - My mistake, I've had a couple of drinks.
Jill - Two drinks, and I'm girls! If you had 5 drinks I'd be quintuplets!
Grumio - You don't like me, do you?
Jill - In spite of your faults, I think you're the tops!
Grumio - I must be the top, my head is still spinning. But come, my Princess, it is gay tonight in Vienna - there is music, wine and waltzing. Will you waltz with me?
Jill - No - but if you'll come out of Vienna - I might dance with you.
(DANCING SPECIALTY, or they waltz to an exit)
(Workmen enter with Toymaker)
Toymaker - What's this? Men, clear away the ruin. The scamp has been at the wine! (examines articles on the table, as if they have been damaged. Men exit after clearing stage. Barnaby looks in at L.C.)
Barnaby - Here I am according to appointment. (coming down) Have you thought over my offer?
Toymaker - For toys that will maim and injure children?
Barnaby - Something tells me you would put your whole heart into the work.
Toymaker - (sneeringly) Your liberality would call for that much interest.
Barnaby - Your final answer?
Toymaker - (taking him Center) What would you say to a doll with the spirit of a fiend controlling it? Would it not be a dainty gift for a child one dislikes?
Barnaby - A doll with the soul of a demon, a master thought! (he grasps Toymaker's hand)
Toymaker - Come back in the twilight, in the interval I'll experiment again. (Indicates table left)
Barnaby - I pray for your success. (exits L.C.)
(Grumio enters feigning exhaustion)
Toymaker - Aha! You scoundrel, you drank my wine, didn't you?
Grumio - No, sir, I was just testing it for you! The captain of the ship wants to see you on board at once!
Toymaker - (impatiently) What about?
Grumio - It's something about the cargo you're sending.
Toymaker - Very well! And when I return call my attention to the fact that you are to be discharged. (exits.)
Grumio - Yes, sir. (going quickly to door R.) Bring the wrappings, Jill! You men bring these crates! Alan and Jane will travel in style!... (Men bring in 2 packing boxes, exeunt. Alan & Jane enter L.C.)
Alan - How about us? How are you going to get us out of the country, your ship sails in an hour.
Grumio - You go as freight.
Alan - You mean as dolls?
Grumio - You'll be taken on board the ship, that's bound for your country in those. (indicting crates)
Alan - Be sure we're marked fragile, this side up!
Jane - And I hope I'm sent F.O.B. Free of bumps!
Alan - Jane, take care of yourself!
(Jane steps into open crate)
Grumio - So far, so good!
(Mary enters just before Grumio can get down into crate)
Mary - Grumio, I want you to run out and match this sample.
Alan - (aside) It's Mary!
Mary - (giving Grumio bit of ribbon) Quickly, please, four yards. Bring it back at once.
Grumio - (going reluctantly) That doll's all right. (points to Alan) You needn't bother about him, Mam'selle.
Mary - Hurry! Hurry! (Grumio exits L.C. Mary looks at Alan, starts violently) Only a wooden dummy with no sense and yet he reminds me so much of Alan! (turns right)
Alan - (aside) In this game I am the dummy!
Mary - (looking at Alan) Poor boy, it's very like him. I could almost imagine we were alone together. If he's meant for an officer, he needs something to show his rank. (goes to work table and gets properties) Shall I sew them on? No, it would be quicker and safer to nail them on his chest. (looks on table for tacks and hammer) I might nail on a few yards of fresh gold braid while it's on my mind.
Alan - (aside) Your mind, oh, don't mind me!
Mary - This will do, and this- (tries medals on Alan's coat) Dear, dear, but you are like Alan! (angrily)
I wish you were, that's all! To believe that I'd forget you for such a creature as Barnaby! Will I ever see you again? Oh Alan where are you now, I wonder! (turns away)
Alan - (aside) So, you're wondering too!
Mary - Will you ever come back and say "Mary I'm dreadfully sorry I was all wrong?" And you know what I would do, I would embrace you, Alan! (embraces him)
(Alan slowly embraces her; she is surprised and startled)
Mary - Why, what is the matter with this machine? It must be out of order! (tries to break away)
Alan - Mary!
Mary - It is you, Alan, after all!
Alan - And now you say something like I'll forgive you Alan.
Mary - I do, I do!
Alan - And I'll say Mary I was dreadfully sorry, I was all wrong. Because you knew all the time...
Mary - Yes, I knew all the time that you loved me.
Alan - Oh, Mary! (puts arms around her.)
SONG. Number Alan & Mary; after number:
Mary - But Alan, you in this costume,--what does it mean?
Alan - It means that Grumio is going to ship us home as dolls on a boat that sails in an hour or two!
Mary - In that case, where is Jane?
Alan- (pointing to crate) In that case!
Toymaker - (enters L.C. Alan resumes a toy attitude) Getting that toy ready for shipment?
Mary - Yes, sir.
Toymaker - Something wrong with his machinery. (Alan moves his hand automatically) I'll attend to that before he goes to Siberia.
Alan - (aside) Siberia!
(Man enters with marking pot and brush, used for marking packing cases)
Mary - (alarmed) Oh, he doesn't go to Siberia, he's billed to--to--
Toymaker - (to working man) Cross out the address on those crates, and write these. (handing workman also a slip of paper) Send that to his Majesty, the Sultan of Beejumbo! It's going to be a surprise for the Sultan's harem!
Alan - (aside) Ah, a harem!
Mary - Pardon me, sir, but aren't you getting them mixed? (points to Alan)
Alan - (aside) Oh no, he isn't getting them mixed.
Toymaker - So I am. It's the Dutch Doll that goes to the Sultan. (points to Jane's crate, and workman paints new address on it)
Mary - (touching Alan) This one is broken.
Toymaker - There's time to fix him. He goes by caravan tomorrow. He's bound for Kalamazooskie, Eastern Siberia.
Alan - (aside) Kalamazooskie sounds like a long way from home.
Toymaker - His uniform needs something.
Alan - (aside) If I'm going to Siberia, I need an overcoat.
Mary - But he can't be fixed inside of a week, and the Dutch Doll isn't all right, either. (points to Jane's crate)
Toymaker - What's the matter with her?
Mary - She needs a new face.
Alan - (aside) I'm glad Jane can't hear that.
Mary - You can't send those wax faces to hot countries. They melt. She ought to have a wooden head like this. (raps Alan's head)
Toymaker - Oh I'll take the risk of sending that doll to Beejumbo. (two workingmen enter; to them) Put that box on the ship that sails for the far East.
(Men carry Jane's crate off)
(Pantomines business by Alan)
And as for that doll, (indicating Alan) Within the hour, Max shall have his works spread upon the table! (exits L.)
Alan - He's not going to give me the works!
Mary - Here's a dreadful fix, how is Jane going to get out of it? (crash off stage L.C.) What's that?
Alan - That's Jane always crashing in some place where she's not wanted.
Mary - We must help her. I'll run and see what I can do! (exits L.C.)
Alan - I'll find Grumio. Where are you Grumio, Grumio, Grumio? (door L.3. opens, Alan assumes toy pose, Toymaker enters L.3., goes to table, turns and looks towards flask)
Toymaker - Now once more to seek the missing element! It will give me dominion over the souls of evil! (works switch, the glow appears) The light! The light! Can it be at last success!! (turns to flash again and cries in ecstasy) I triumph! I triumph!! (smokes appears.) The spirits of evil I bid you enter the forms I have fashioned in human shape! (toy figures move on stage) It is true at last I have found the spell at last. They turn to me, their master! Fiends, all the fiends! (turns to Alan) Speak, speak, you live!
Alan - Undo your work, before it is too late!
Toymaker - There is gratitude, I give you human form, I take you from the gloom, and you reproach me!
Alan - Take care, these things have only murder in their hearts. (the dolls take threatening attitudes)
Toymaker - I do not fear them.
Alan - Look there! (pointing to doll who approaches Toymaker with knife)
Toymaker - (turning quickly) Ah! (the doll retreats. A murmur of defiance from the others. He shows terror) Obey, or else I'll send your souls back to the abyss from which I brought them.
Alan - You've lost. You gave them life to hate and slay and kill. And you will be their first victim!
Toymaker - No! No! No!
Alan - Your commands are vain! (dolls advance to attack Toymaker.) Stop, stop, I say!
FINALE: (NOTE: POSSIBLE DANCE MACABRE USED HERE.)
(The dolls kill the Toymaker and escape)
(Alan left with the Toymaker, tries to revive him)
(Barnaby enters, and accuses Alan of killing Toymaker)
(he summons Roderigo and Gonzorgo.)
(They carry the Toymaker off at signal from Barnaby. Left alone, Barnaby shows his delight at his success of schemes against Alan. The dolls appear armed with clubs, broomsticks etc. and they fall upon Barnaby, and gives him a sound beating, he howls for mercy, (see score) - on the curtain falls)
