ACT II: SCENE: The Christmas Tree Grove in Toyland.
TOYLAND FAIR WALTZ (at the end of the number Barnaby and Widow Piper enter from arch up L.C. Hilda from down R)
Barnaby - (to Hilda) Mary's in Toyland, I'm sure of that, and we'll not go home again till we find her.
Widow - A fine dance she has lead us for three weeks!
Barnaby - (sentimentally) A love-chase for me.
Widow - Never mind, we'll make her Mrs. Barnaby yet.
Barnaby - With the aid of Isnpector Marmaduke!
Hilda - Who's he?
(Marmaduke enters from arch, unseen by others)
Barnaby - The leading detective of Toyland.
Marmaduke - (melodramatically) You have sent for Marmaduke and he is here!
Barnaby - Can you find Contrary Mary?
Marmaduke - You have sent for me because you cannot find her yourself!
Widow - (to Hilda) He's a regular mind-reader!
Barnaby - Do you think you can run her down?
Marmaduke - (With dignity) A well-bred detective never runs a lady down.
Widow - Mary was the apple of my eye. She has lips like cherries and cheeks like peaches.
Marmaduke - (Writing in note-book) Wanted--a female with a face like a fruit store. Would you like to take her dead or alive?
Barnaby - Alive for choice. She's to be my wife, you know.
Marmaduke - Must she marry you?
Barnaby & Widow - She must!
Marmaduke - (going L.) And does she know it?
Barnaby & Widow - She does.
Marmaduke - We'll begin with looking in the river. (exit down L. with Widow and Barnaby)
(Tom Tom enters from arch)
Tom - Ah, Hilda!
Hilda - Tom Tom! (they embrace) My, but your Ma's mad at you and Mary!
Tom - (surprised) Where is mother? Not here in Toyland?
Hilda - Here with your brothers and sisters and old Barnaby.
Tom - Don't say you've seen me.
Hilda - Never fear.
Tom - I'm employed as Court Crier to the Court Royal, and Mary is a doll's dressmaker at the Master Toymaker's workshop, under the name of Mlle. Elisette.
Hilda - Who's the Master Toymaker?
Tom - A great person here. He sets the fashion in dolls and toys for all the world.
Hilda - Barnaby has just engaged Inspector Marmaduke to hunt for Mary.
Tom - Follow me, we'll go to her and warn her! (both exeunt up L.)
(Marmaduke re-enters down R; Jake and Alan enter from arch)
Marmaduke - Strangers! Where did you come from?
Alan - We know where we come from, but we don't where we've got to. We were lost in a forest at our home, and after many adventures, reached a strange sea coast. A passing vessel brought us here, and we don't care how soon another takes us away.
Marmaduke - This is Toyland.
Alan - (to Marmaduke) Toyland? Were you made in Germany or Connecticut?
Marmaduke - (indignantly) I'm not a dummy. I'm a detective.
Alan - What's the difference?
Marmaduke - Do you know Contrary Mary, I'm looking for her? (Jake & Alan nod) Tell me what she wore the last time you saw her. (produces note book)
Jane - A blue and white polka-dot dress.
Marmaduke - Ah, a clue!
Alan - You'll be sure to find her now.
Marmaduke - Why?
Alan - A polka-dot dress is always spotted.
Marmaduke - Bah!
Jane - If I could only find Tom Tom, I wouldn't care. (to Marmaduke) Do you know Tom Tom?
Marmaduke - Is it anything like Contract?
Jane - No, he's a young man - very very handsome...and he has the grandest eyes and teeth and the most sensitive ears --
Marmaduke - I'm not in the least interested.
Jane - Of course everybody doesn't call him Tom Tom.
Alan - No, especially those who don't know him.
Jane - His family name was Piper, so to strangers he is Mr. Piper, but he is very very handsome, and he has the grandest eyes and teeth, and the most sensitive ears.
Marmaduke - But I haven't sensitive ears. (rushes off under arch.)
(girls begin to enter during preceding speech)
Jane - Wait, I want to tell you more about Tom Tom.
1st Girl - (looking at Jane and Alan) My dear, what fine looking things the parade has brought to town!
2nd Girl - What perfect frights, they must have fallen out of the moon.
1st Girl - Tell us where you came from?
Jane - First, I want to find out something about the place I am in! Pardon me while I go sight seeing! (exits down R)
1st Girl - And who are you?
Alan - I'm nothing yet, but when I grow up, I want to be a radio star.
1st Girl - What could you do on the radio?
Alan - I could be Uncle Don Crosby. That's something new, isn't it? Giving advice to the children in song form.
1st Girl - You mean a sort of lullaby?
Alan - Yes, just what!
SONG: Alan and chorus: "ROCK A BYE BABY" (Alan and others exeunt on number)
(Piper children enter from L. side of stage, they are playfully pulling the master toymaker after them, each child drags or carries on a toy. Possible dance here with baby dolls...or a cakewalk)
Toymaker - There! There! You have me quite out of breath, my dears. I must rest a moment. (sits on large toy block, which two of the children place C. for him)
Bo Peep - When we find Mother, she'll pay you for these lovely play- things.
Toymaker - There's nothing to pay. I am the world's master toymaker and I want to give these toys to you. Just a little rememberance in the heart of a child is more to me than anything else in the world. (a general murmur "Thank you" etc)
Bo Peep - Haven't you any little boys and girls of your own?
Toymaker - No. That's why I'm free to love all children, and to try and make them love me.
Red Hiding Hood - Do you make toys that talk?
Toymaker - Aye, talk and walk and do everything but think. I can give them everything but a soul, and some day I may give them even that. (He reads the underlined phrase, so tragically, that all the children shrink from him. Noticing their notion he immediately returns to his amiable manner) But I must go. I have work to do. (to Children) Come to my work-shop, and see all the other toys that I have there. (exits down L. Enter Widow from arch)
Widow - Ah here are my angels!
Bo Peep - See what the Master Toymaker has given us. (children show toys, Barnaby enters up L., holding Tom Tom by the wrist)
Barnaby - Here's Tom-Tom. Just caught him in the crowd. (cries of "Hello Tom Tom", "Hello, brother", from the children)
Widow - Naughty boy, where's your sister?
Tom - (defiantly) - I don't know. I don't know anything about her.
Barnaby - Tell the truth, you rascal! You ran away together.
Tom - No, we didn't. I don't know where Mary is at all!
Widow - (to children) Come, all of you, look for her. Scatter and be quick about it! Tom tom, you go with us. (Widow exits quickly with Tom Tom)
Barnaby - (to children) Hurry up! Find your sister! Be off with you!
Bo Peep - Find her for you? Not much. (The children rush off stage; Jill remains on the stage playing with the doll the Toymaker gave her, Barnaby turns and sees Jill busy with doll, sitting on the stage down R)
Barnaby - (sharply) Jill, why don't you do as you're told? (sneeringly) Precious Pet-mother's ownest! Just wait till I'M your brother-in-law!
Jill - (guying him) I could faint with joy at the prospect!
Barnaby - Badness, where do you expect to go when you die?
Jill - If it's any place where you ain't, I'll be happy.
Barnaby - (shaking his cane at her, furiously) If you were only mine! How I could box your ears! if you were only mine!
Jill - (with mock sentiment) It's hopeless! I can never be yours! (Barnaby seizes Jill's doll, strikes it, then kicks it about the stage) Help! Help! A lady's being struck -give me my doll!
(Grumio enters at top of runway over arch. Hears Jill's cries, stumbles and rolls down runway to stage)
Grumio - (picking up doll and facing Barnaby) Hold! How dare you strike a helpless female in the face!
Jill - Bless you! You have saved my child! (faints in Grumio's arms)
Barnaby - You'll hear from me later. (exits angrily under arch)
Grumio - (calling after him) Yes, do write, even if it's just a post-card. Courage, beautiful stranger--your child has only lost an ear.
Jill - My name is Jill. What's yours?
Grumio - Grumio. I'm the Master Toymaker's apprentice. What do you do?
Jill - Oh, I live a life of leisure, but I'm going to leave society and go to work. Perhaps I'll even be on relief.
Grumio - I had trouble at home too. Mother kept a butler, who objected to my wearing his evening clothes.
Jill - But didn't you ever have any other ambitions?
Grumio - Yes, I wanted to be a politician. It's the only business where you can sit down and run at the same time!
Jill - Is there any chance of landing a job here.
Grumio - Come to my master's workshop. They're shorthanded there and I can get you a place.
Jill - Can you fix my doll there?
Grumio - (holding doll so sawdust pours out) Yes, better hurry up, she may have a sawdust hemmorhage.
Jill - What'll you charge?
Grumio - My charge will be just one kiss.
Jill - All right, you send the bill to mother.
Grumio - But after I've seen mother's face, I may not want to collect it. Give me one kiss and I'll be satisfied.
Jill - No.
Grumio - You won't give me one kiss.
Jill - Yes, but you won't be satisified. (he starts to kiss her)
(Pantomine, possibly a dance speciality.)
(He is just about to kiss her, but enter the Widow and Barnaby.)
Widow - Brute! (leads JILL down stage grasping her by the ear, and Barnaby chases Grumio off stage thru arch.) You're too young to be kissing strangers!
Jill - I just wanted to find out what a kiss was.
Widow - A kiss is nothing divided by two. You got that kissing idea from the movies... from now on you'll see nothing but travelogues. (leads Jill off L.)
Toymaker - (enters with Man reading document.) You may report to me in the toyshop, in an hour!
Barnaby - (enters from arch, to Toymaker) You're the King-pin of all the toymakers, I've heard. I'd like to hire you to make a few toys for me.
Toymaker - Ah, then you love the children too?
Barnaby - Oh, I simply dote on them!
Toymaker - What would you like me to make for them?
Barnaby - A lot of dangerous toys. Toys that a child would eagerly accept. That would destroy them, and even kill them, in some clever way. (Jane enters under arch, overhears)
Toymaker - Why do you hate the children so bitterly?
Barnaby - My late sister left her two vicious bad-tempered children Alan and Jane for me to look after. What a life they've led me! Even their fortune, which will be mine in another week, could hardly repay me for the trouble they have caused me.
Toymaker - Are they dead?
Barnaby - Yes, they were lost in the forest, I've seen the last of them! (JANE exits silently) A thousand dollars, if you'll take the order. Twelve hundred! Fifteen hundred!
Toymaker - No, no!
Barnaby - Eighteen hundred!
Toymaker - No, no, don't tempt me. Eighteen hundred dollars for toys, that would kill and destroy!
(starts off L.)
Barnaby - I'll make it two thousand dollars! Just let me see you alone in your work shop, and we'll close the bargain. (both exeunt L)
(Jane and Alan enter under arch much excited)
Alan - And if we're not home in a week, Uncle Barnaby gets our fortune!
Jane - Yes, that's what I heard him say!
Alan - Now I understand Uncle Barnaby now I know him. He's as easy to see thru as a cellophane wrapper.
Jane - I'm sure he had us lost in the woods.
Alan - And lost at sea the same way. Oh, he's been playing a losing game with every way.
Jane - We must get home--we haven't a penny, what's to be done?
Alan - Or, who's to be done?
Jane - First let us change these clothes. Nobody else in Toyland dresses like this, and Uncle Barnaby will surely hear about us.
Alan - That's a risk we can't afford. We must shift our wardrobe, but how?
(Jill enters L)
Jill - Can it be? Alan and Jane!
Jane - Jill!
Jill - And a runaway just like you two!
Alan - I hope you've run away with a tailor!
Jane - Or a dressmaker.
Jill - Neither, but I've just been engaged to dress the dolls at the Master Toymaker's.
Alan - Do you think you could find anything there to fit us? We don't want to be captured.
Jill - Perhaps, some of the Toymaker's dolls are nearly as big as you.
Jane - Where are they?
Jill - (melodramatically) Follow me! (they exeunt under arch)
(Bo Peep & Boy Blue enter under arch; other Piper Children re-enter)
Bo Peep - I wonder what's become of Mary?
Boy Blue - Maybe she's married a title, and has had to go to work to support him.
(Mary enters under arch with small milliner's box under arm)
Bo Peep, Boy Blue etc. - It's Mary! (general embrace)
Bo Peep - What in the world are you doing in Toyland? (Marmaduke enters under arch)
Mary - Oh, I'm making dolls for the master Toymaker and my alias is Mam'sell Elisette.
Marmaduke - Hold in the name of the law! Stand up where you are! Hold, I say!
Mary - (ignoring Marmaduke, coming down with the group) I want to hear all the news from home. Are all the guinea pigs well, and how is the new donkey?
Marmaduke - I am here!
Mary - (looking over her shoulder) But you're not the one I was speaking of.
Marmaduke - Listen to me for a moment! Do any of you know a girl named Mary? Don't answer if it may incriminate you.
Mary - Who are you?
Marmaduke - I am the world's most famous inspector!
Mary - What of boilers?
Marmaduke - No, of the police! Describe Contrary Mary to me.
Mary - She has long bobbed hair, a lovely speaking voice, but very loud. And she cries so much her cheeks are streamlined.
Marmaduke - (taking notes) Complexion?
Mary - Fair. Just fair, and I believe at that I'm exaggerating.
Marmaduke - How was she dressed when you saw her last?
Mary - She was wearing a white fish net over black satin.... the satin was white at one time. The neck line was high with a Freddie Bartholomew collar...The back was low, sweet and lo, - there were little cream puff sleeves... with blue ribbon on the side...
Marmaduke - I don't believe --
Mary - The dress was straight to the knees, where it was gored by 8 champagne inserts to give it a waltz swing...a sort of Champagne Waltz!
Marmaduke - I don't believe I'm getting anywhere....but I am getting anywhere--anywhere away from you! (dashes off under arch)
Bo Peep - Well, you certainly tired him out!
Mary - You don't know how glad I am to see you all, but I wish Tom Tom were here....
Boy Blue - And what about Alan? Don't you miss him?
Mary - Of course I do. Oh, if you only knew how heavy my heart is.
SONG: MARY. (Mary and Children exeunt on number)
(Grumio enters from arch, carrying the head of a toy captain)
Grumio - The toy captain is busted, and now the parade is spoiled.
(Jill enters L.)
Jill - What's the matter, Grumio?
Grumio - (pointing to head) I'll be put in jail for this. This was the wooden soldier that was to head the wooden regiment he presents to the City today... I had charge on him, and when I went to wind him up, I found someone had stolen his clothes. Let me find out who did it! That's all!
Jill - (melodramatically) Twas I Grumio! (falls on knees)
Grumio - You?
Jill - Strike and avenge yourself! I took the clothes to help two old friends...
Grumio - Ah! To help old friends you ruin me! Be gone, female, and leave me to the sorrow you have brought upon me! (throws her to the ground and steps over her)
(JANE & ALAN enter in the doll costumes and exchange surprised glances and military salutes
with the other two)
Alan - (noting Grumio's red hair, aside to Jane) Looks like a bottle of Chili sauce. (aloud) Who are you?
Grumio - The Toymaker's apprentice, who is responsible for the toys that you have broken. (points to wooden captain's broken head)
Alan - The wooden captain? (to Jill) The toy I broke when I took these clothes off of him!
Grumio - The same. It's time for the parade, but I can't start without the wooden captain.
Alan - Well, I can't do without his clothes.
Grumio - (with sudden inspiration) Then by the way of paying for them, you might lead the parade yourself.
Alan - (surprised) What - me?
Grumio - That will get me out of the trouble that you have got me into. Do you think you could act like a toy soldier?
Jane - (to Alan) Of course -- just be yourself.
Alan - Jane, I'll lead the parade, and you can look for Tom Tom.
Jane - I'm sure Tom Tom isn't here.
Alan - (to Grumio) One word more, my one cylinder brained friend! If I get you out of this trouble, will you help us to get out of the country?
Grumio - Come to the work shop after the parade, and I'll arrange it!
Jane and Alan - How?
Grumio - Leave that to me! Just join the wooden grenadiers, they're ready to march!
Alan - (takes Jane's hand) Come on, we're off! (exeunt up L.; bugle call.)
Jill - Oh, the parade must have started.
Grumio - Come with me and I'll get you a seat in the reviewing stand! (Jill and Grumio exeunt)
THE TOY MARCH: (Big number and dance and black cut and change to Street scene.)
