CHAPTER IX—FINIS.
“Strange friend, past, present, and to be;
Loved deeplier, darklier understood;
Behold I dream a dream of good,
And mingle all the world with thee.”
TENNYSON.
In the summer of 1842, our hero stopped once again
at the well-known station; and leaving his bag and fishing-rod with a porter,
walked slowly and sadly up towards the town. It was now July. He had rushed
away from Oxford the moment that term was over, for a fishing ramble in
Scotland with two college friends, and had been for three weeks living on
oatcake, mutton-hams, and whisky, in the wildest parts of Skye. They had
descended one sultry evening on the little inn at Kyle Rhea ferry; and while
Tom and another of the party put their tackle together and began exploring the
stream for a sea-trout for supper, the third strolled into the house to arrange
for their entertainment. Presently he came out in a loose blouse and slippers,
a short pipe in his mouth, and an old newspaper in his hand, and threw himself
on the heathery scrub which met the shingle, within easy hail of the fishermen.
There he lay, the picture of free-and-easy, loafing, hand-to-mouth young
England, “improving his mind,” as he shouted to them, by the perusal of the
fortnight-old weekly paper, soiled with the marks of toddy-glasses and
tobacco-ashes, the legacy of the last traveller, which he had hunted out from
the kitchen of the little hostelry, and, being a youth of a communicative turn
of mind, began imparting the contents to the fishermen as he went on.
“What a bother they are making about these
wretched corn-laws! Here's three or four columns full of nothing but sliding
scales and fixed duties. Hang this tobacco, it's always going out! Ah, here's
something better—a splendid match between Kent and England, Brown, Kent winning
by three wickets. Felix fifty-six runs without a chance, and not out!”
Tom, intent on a fish which had risen at him
twice, answered only with a grunt.
“Anything about the Goodwood?” called out the
third man.
“Rory O'More drawn. Butterfly colt amiss,” shouted
the student.
“Just my luck,” grumbled the inquirer, jerking his
flies off the water, and throwing again with a heavy, sullen splash, and
frightening Tom's fish.
“I say, can't you throw lighter over there? We
ain't fishing for grampuses,” shouted Tom across the stream.
“Hullo, Brown! here's something for you,” called
out the reading man next moment. “Why, your old master, Arnold of Rugby, is
dead.”
Tom's hand stopped half-way in his cast, and his
line and flies went all tangling round and round his rod; you might have
knocked him over with a feather. Neither of his companions took any notice of
him, luckily; and with a violent effort he set to work mechanically to
disentangle his line. He felt completely carried off his moral and intellectual
legs, as if he had lost his standing-point in the invisible world. Besides
which, the deep, loving loyalty which he felt for his old leader made the shock
intensely painful. It was the first great wrench of his life, the first gap
which the angel Death had made in his circle, and he felt numbed, and beaten down,
and spiritless. Well, well! I believe it was good for him and for many others
in like case, who had to learn by that loss that the soul of man cannot stand
or lean upon any human prop, however strong, and wise, and good; but that He
upon whom alone it can stand and lean will knock away all such props in His own
wise and merciful way, until there is no ground or stay left but Himself, the
Rock of Ages, upon whom alone a sure foundation for every soul of man is laid.
As he wearily laboured at his line, the thought
struck him, “It may be all false—a mere newspaper lie.” And he strode up to the
recumbent smoker.
“Let me look at the paper,” said he.
“Nothing else in it,” answered the other, handing
it up to him listlessly. “Hullo, Brown! what's the matter, old fellow? Ain't
you well?”
“Where is it?” said Tom, turning over the leaves,
his hands trembling, and his eyes swimming, so that he could not read.
“What? What are you looking for?” said his friend,
jumping up and looking over his shoulder.
“That—about Arnold,” said Tom.
“Oh, here,” said the other, putting his finger on
the paragraph. Tom read it over and over again. There could be no mistake of
identity, though the account was short enough.
“Thank you,” said he at last, dropping the paper.
“I shall go for a walk. Don't you and Herbert wait supper for me.” And away he
strode, up over the moor at the back of the house, to be alone, and master his
grief if possible.
His friend looked after him, sympathizing and
wondering, and, knocking the ashes out of his pipe, walked over to Herbert.
After a short parley they walked together up to the house.
“I'm afraid that confounded newspaper has spoiled
Brown's fun for this trip.”
“How odd that he should be so fond of his old
master,” said Herbert. Yet they also were both public-school men.
The two, however, notwithstanding Tom's
prohibition, waited supper for him, and had everything ready when he came back
some half an hour afterwards. But he could not join in their cheerful talk, and
the party was soon silent, notwithstanding the efforts of all three. One thing
only had Tom resolved, and that was, that he couldn't stay in Scotland any
longer: he felt an irresistible longing to get to Rugby, and then home, and
soon broke it to the others, who had too much tact to oppose.
So by daylight the next morning he was marching
through Ross-shire, and in the evening hit the Caledonian Canal, took the next
steamer, and travelled as fast as boat and railway could carry him to the Rugby
station.
As he walked up to the town, he felt shy and
afraid of being seen, and took the back streets—why, he didn't know, but he
followed his instinct. At the School-gates he made a dead pause; there was not
a soul in the quadrangle—all was lonely, and silent, and sad. So with another
effort he strode through the quadrangle, and into the School-house offices.
He found the little matron in her room in deep
mourning; shook her hand, tried to talk, and moved nervously about. She was
evidently thinking of the same subject as he, but he couldn't begin talking.
“Where shall I find Thomas?” said he at last,
getting desperate.
“In the servants' hall, I think, sir. But won't
you take anything?” said the matron, looking rather disappointed.
“No, thank you,” said he, and strode off again to
find the old verger, who was sitting in his little den, as of old, puzzling
over hieroglyphics.
He looked up through his spectacles as Tom seized
his hand and wrung it.
“Ah! you've heard all about it, sir, I see,” said
he. Tom nodded, and then sat down on the shoe-board, while the old man told his
tale, and wiped his spectacles, and fairly flowed over with quaint, homely,
honest sorrow.
By the time he had done Tom felt much better.
“Where is he buried, Thomas?” said he at last.
“Under the altar in the chapel, sir,” answered
Thomas. “You'd like to have the key, I dare say?”
“Thank you, Thomas—yes, I should, very much.”
And the old man fumbled among his bunch, and then
got up, as though he would go with him; but after a few steps stopped short,
and said, “Perhaps you'd like to go by yourself, sir?”
Tom nodded, and the bunch of keys were handed to
him, with an injunction to be sure and lock the door after him, and bring them
back before eight o'clock.
He walked quickly through the quadrangle and out
into the close. The longing which had been upon him and driven him thus far,
like the gad-fly in the Greek legends, giving him no rest in mind or body,
seemed all of a sudden not to be satisfied, but to shrivel up and pall. “Why
should I go on? It's no use,” he thought, and threw himself at full length on
the turf, and looked vaguely and listlessly at all the well-known objects.
There were a few of the town boys playing cricket, their wicket pitched on the
best piece in the middle of the big-side ground—a sin about equal to sacrilege
in the eyes of a captain of the eleven. He was very nearly getting up to go and
send them off. “Pshaw! they won't remember me. They've more right there than
I,” he muttered. And the thought that his sceptre had departed, and his mark
was wearing out, came home to him for the first time, and bitterly enough. He
was lying on the very spot where the fights came off—where he himself had
fought six years ago his first and last battle. He conjured up the scene till
he could almost hear the shouts of the ring, and East's whisper in his ear; and
looking across the close to the Doctor's private door, half expected to see it
open, and the tall figure in cap and gown come striding under the elm-trees
towards him.
No, no; that sight could never be seen again.
There was no flag flying on the round tower; the School-house windows were all
shuttered up; and when the flag went up again, and the shutters came down, it
would be to welcome a stranger. All that was left on earth of him whom he had
honoured was lying cold and still under the chapel floor. He would go in and
see the place once more, and then leave it once for all. New men and new
methods might do for other people; let those who would, worship the rising
star; he, at least, would be faithful to the sun which had set. And so he got
up, and walked to the chapel door, and unlocked it, fancying himself the only
mourner in all the broad land, and feeding on his own selfish sorrow.
He passed through the vestibule, and then paused
for a moment to glance over the empty benches. His heart was still proud and
high, and he walked up to the seat which he had last occupied as a sixth-form
boy, and sat himself down there to collect his thoughts.
And, truth to tell, they needed collecting and
setting in order not a little. The memories of eight years were all dancing
through his brain, and carrying him about whither they would; while, beneath
them all, his heart was throbbing with the dull sense of a loss that could
never be made up to him. The rays of the evening sun came solemnly through the
painted windows above his head, and fell in gorgeous colours on the opposite
wall, and the perfect stillness soothed his spirit by little and little. And he
turned to the pulpit, and looked at it, and then, leaning forward with his head
on his hands, groaned aloud. If he could only have seen the Doctor again for
one five minutes—have told him all that was in his heart, what he owed to him,
how he loved and reverenced him, and would, by God's help, follow his steps in
life and death—he could have borne it all without a murmur. But that he should
have gone away for ever without knowing it all, was too much to bear. “But am I
sure that he does not know it all?” The thought made him start. “May he not
even now be near me, in this very chapel? If he be, am I sorrowing as he would
have me sorrow, as I should wish to have sorrowed when I shall meet him again?”
He raised himself up and looked round, and after a
minute rose and walked humbly down to the lowest bench, and sat down on the
very seat which he had occupied on his first Sunday at Rugby. And then the old
memories rushed back again, but softened and subdued, and soothing him as he
let himself be carried away by them. And he looked up at the great painted
window above the altar, and remembered how, when a little boy, he used to try
not to look through it at the elm-trees and the rooks, before the painted glass
came; and the subscription for the painted glass, and the letter he wrote home
for money to give to it. And there, down below, was the very name of the boy
who sat on his right hand on that first day, scratched rudely in the oak
panelling.
And then came the thought of all his old
schoolfellows; and form after form of boys nobler, and braver, and purer than
he rose up and seemed to rebuke him. Could he not think of them, and what they
had felt and were feeling—they who had honoured and loved from the first the
man whom he had taken years to know and love? Could he not think of those yet
dearer to him who was gone, who bore his name and shared his blood, and were
now without a husband or a father? Then the grief which he began to share with
others became gentle and holy, and he rose up once more, and walked up the
steps to the altar, and while the tears flowed freely down his cheeks, knelt
down humbly and hopefully, to lay down there his share of a burden which had
proved itself too heavy for him to bear in his own strength.
Here let us leave him. Where better could we leave
him than at the altar before which he had first caught a glimpse of the glory
of his birthright, and felt the drawing of the bond which links all living
souls together in one brotherhood—at the grave beneath the altar of him who had
opened his eyes to see that glory, and softened his heart till it could feel
that bond?
And let us not be hard on him, if at that moment
his soul is fuller of the tomb and him who lies there than of the altar and Him
of whom it speaks. Such stages have to be gone through, I believe, by all young
and brave souls, who must win their way through hero-worship to the worship of
Him who is the King and Lord of heroes. For it is only through our mysterious
human relationships—through the love and tenderness and purity of mothers and
sisters and wives, through the strength and courage and wisdom of fathers and
brothers and teachers—that we can come to the knowledge of Him in whom alone
the love, and the tenderness, and the purity, and the strength, and the
courage, and the wisdom of all these dwell for ever and ever in perfect
fullness.
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