ACT V
Scene1 - Enter Thais from her house, followed by Pythias.
THAIS - What! do you persist, hussy, in talking ambiguously to me? "I do know;" "I don't know;" "he has gone off;" "I have heard;" "I wasn't there." Don't you mean to tell me plainly, whatever it is? The girl in tears, with her garments torn, is mute; the Eunuch is off: for what reason? What has happened? Won't you speak?
PYTHIAS - Wretch that I am, what am I to say to you? They declare that he was not a Eunuch.
THAIS - What was he then?
PYTHIAS - That Chaerea.
THAIS - What Chaerea?
PYTHIAS - That stripling, the brother of Phaedria.
THAIS - What's that you say, you hag?
PYTHIAS - And I am satisfied of it.
THAIS - Pray, what business had he at my house? What brought him there?
PYTHIAS - I don't know; unless, as I suppose, he was in love with Pamphila.
THAIS - Alas! to my confusion, unhappy woman that I am, I'm undone, if what you tell me is true. Is it about this that the girl is crying?
PYTHIAS - I believe so.
THAIS - How say you, you arch-jade? Did I not warn you about this very thing, when I was going away from here?
PYTHIAS - What could I do? Just as you ordered, she was intrusted to his care only.
THAIS - Hussy, I've been intrusting the sheep to the wolf. I'm quite ashamed to have been imposed upon in this way. What sort of man was he?
PYTHIAS - Hush! hush! mistress, pray; we are all right. Here we have the very man.
THAIS - Where is he?
PYTHIAS - Why there, to the left. Don't you see?
THAIS - I see.
PYTHIAS - Order him to be seized as quickly as possible.
THAIS - What can we do to him, simpleton?
PYTHIAS - What do to him, do you ask? Pray, do look at him; if his face doesn't seem an impudent one.
THAIS - Not at all.
PYTHIAS - Besides, what effrontery he has.
Scene 2 - enter Chaerea, in the Eunuch's dress, on the other side of the stage.
CHAEREA – (to himself) At Antipho's, both of them, father and mother, just as if on purpose, were at home, so that I couldn't any way get in, but that they must have seen me. In the mean time, while I was standing before the door, a certain acquaintance of mine was coming full upon me. When I espied him, I took to my heels as fast as I could down a narrow unfrequented alley; thence again to another, and thence to another; thus have I been most dreadfully harassed with running about, that no one might recognize me. But isn't this Thais that I see? It is she. I'm at a stand. What shall I do? But what need I care? What can she do to me?
THAIS – (to Pythias) Let's accost him. (to Chaerea) Good Mister Dorus, welcome; tell me, have you been running away?
CHAEREA – Madam, I did so.
THAIS - Are you quite pleased with it?
CHAEREA – No.
THAIS - Do you fancy that you'll get off with impunity?
CHAEREA – Forgive this one fault; if I'm ever guilty of another, then kill me.
THAIS - Were you in fear of my severity?
CHAEREA – No.
THAIS - No? What then?
CHAEREA – (pointing at Pythias) I was afraid of her, lest she might be accusing me to you.
THAIS - What had you done?
CHAEREA – A mere trifle.
PYTHIAS - Come now, a trifle, you impudent fellow. Does this appear a trifle to you, to ravish a virgin, a citizen?
CHAEREA – I took her for my fellow-servant.
PYTHIAS - Fellow-servant? I can hardly restrain myself from flying at his hair. A miscreant! Even of his own free will he comes to make fun of us.
THAIS – (to Pythias) Won't you begone from here, you mad woman?
PYTHIAS - Why so? Really, I do believe I should be something in this hang-dog's debt, if I were to do so; especially as he owns that he is your servant.
THAIS - We'll pass that by. Chaerea, you have behaved unworthily of yourself; for if I am deserving in the highest degree of this affront, still it is unbecoming of you to be guilty of it. And, upon my faith, I do not know what method now to adopt about this girl: you have so confounded all my plans, that I can not possibly return her to her friends in such a manner as is befitting and as I had intended; in order that, by this means, I might, Chaerea, do a real service to myself.
CHAEREA – But now, from henceforth, I hope, Thais, that there will be lasting good-will between us. Many a time, from some affair of this kind and from a bad beginning, great friendships have sprung up. What if some Divinity has willed this?
THAIS - I'faith, for my own part I both take it in that view and wish to do so.
CHAEREA – Yes, prithee, do so. Be sure of this one thing, that I did not do it for the sake of affronting you, but in consequence of passion.
THAIS - I understand, and, i'faith, for that reason do I now the more readily forgive you. I am not, Chaerea, of a disposition so ungentle, or so inexperienced, as not to know what is the power of love.
CHAEREA – So may the Deities kindly bless me, Thais; I am now smitten with you as well.
PYTHIAS - Then, i'faith, mistress, I foresee you must have a care of him.
CHAEREA – I would not dare----
PYTHIAS - I won't trust you at all in any thing.
THAIS – (to Pythias) Do have done.
CHAEREA – Now I entreat you that you will be my assistant in this affair. I intrust and commit myself to your care; I take you, Thais, as my protectress; I implore you; I shall die if I don't have her for my wife.
THAIS - But if your father should say any thing----
CHAEREA – Oh, he'll consent, I'm quite sure of that, if she is only a citizen.
THAIS - If you will wait a little, the brother himself of the young woman will be here presently; he has gone to fetch the nurse, who brought her up when a little child; you yourself, shall be present Chaerea, at his recognition of her.
CHAEREA – I certainly will stay.
THAIS - In the mean time, until he comes, would you prefer that we should wait for him in the house, rather than here before the door?
CHAEREA – Why yes, I should like it much.
PYTHIAS – (to Thais) Prithee, what are you going to do?
THAIS - Why, what's the matter?
PYTHIAS - Do you ask? Do you think of admitting him after this into your house?
THAIS - Why not?
PYTHIAS - Trust my word for it, he'll be creating some new disturbance.
THAIS - O dear, prithee, do hold your tongue.
PYTHIAS - You seem to me to be far from sensible of his assurance.
CHAEREA – I'll not do any thing, Pythias.
PYTHIAS - Upon my faith, I don't believe you, Chaerea, except in case you are not trusted.
CHAEREA – Nay but, Pythias, do you be my keeper.
PYTHIAS - Upon my faith, I would neither venture to give any thing to you to keep, nor to keep you myself: away with you!
THAIS - Most opportunely the brother himself is coming.
CHAEREA – I'faith, I'm undone. Prithee, let's be gone in-doors, Thais. I don't want him to see me in the street with this dress on.
THAIS - For what reason, pray? Because you are ashamed?
CHAEREA – Just so.
PYTHIAS - Just so? But the young woman----
THAIS - Go first; I'll follow. You stay here, Pythias, that you may show Chremes in. (Thais and Chaerea go into the house)
Scene 3 - Enter Chremes and Sophrona.
PYTHIAS – (to herself) Well! what now can suggest itself to my mind? What, I wonder, in order that I may repay the favor to that villain who palmed this fellow off upon us?
CHREMES - Really, do bestir yourself more quickly, nurse.
SOPHRONA - I am bestirring.
CHREMES - So I see; but you don't stir forward.
PYTHIAS – (to Chremes) Have you yet shown the tokens to the nurse?
CHREMES - All of them.
PYTHIAS - Prithee, what does she say? Does she recognize them?
CHREMES - Yes, with a full recollection of them.
PYTHIAS - Upon my faith, you do bring good news; for I really wish well to this young woman. Go in-doors: my mistress has been for some time expecting you at home. (Chremes and Sophrona go into Thais's house) But look, yonder I espy that worthy fellow, Parmeno, coming: just see, for heaven's sake, how leisurely he moves along. I hope I have it in my power to torment him after my own fashion. I'll go in-doors, that I may know for certain about the discovery; afterward I'll come out, and give this villain a terrible fright. (goes into the house)
Scene 4 - Enter Parmeno
PARMENO – (to himself) I've just come back to see what Chaerea has been doing here. If he has managed the affair with dexterity, ye Gods, by our trust in you, how great and genuine applause will Parmeno obtain! For not to mention that a passion, full of difficulty and expense, with which he was smitten for a virgin, belonging to an extortionate courtesan, I've found means of satisfying for him, without molestation, without outlay, and without cost; then, this other point-that is really a thing that I consider my crowning merit, to have found out the way by which a young man may be enabled to learn the dispositions and manners of courtesans, so that by knowing them betimes, he may detest them ever after. PYTHIAS enters from the house unperceived. For while they are out of doors, nothing seems more cleanly, nothing more neat or more elegant; and when they dine with a gallant, they pick daintily about: to see the filth, the dirtiness, the neediness of these women; how sluttish they are when at home, and how greedy after victuals; in what a fashion they devour the black bread with yesterday's broth:--to know all this, is salvation to a young man.(enter Pythias from the house)
PYTHIAS – (apart, unseen by Parmeno) Upon my faith, you villain, I'll take vengeance upon you for these sayings and doings; so that you sha'n't make sport of us with impunity. Aloud, coming forward. O, by our trust in the Gods, what a disgraceful action! O hapless young man! O wicked Parmeno, to have brought him here!
PARMENO - What's the matter?
PYTHIAS - I do pity him; and so that I mightn't see it, wretched creature that I am, I hurried away out of doors. What a dreadful example they talk of making him!
PARMENO - O Jupiter! What is this tumult? Am I then undone? I'll accost her. What's all this, Pythias? What are you saying? An example made of whom?
PYTHIAS - Do you ask the question, you most audacious fellow? You've proved the ruin of the young man whom you brought hither for the Eunuch, while you were trying to put a trick upon us.
PARMENO - How so, or what has happened? Tell me.
PYTHIAS - I'll tell you: that young woman who was to-day made a present to Thais, are you aware that she is a citizen of this place, and that her brother is a person of very high rank?
PARMENO - I didn't know that.
PYTHIAS - But so she has been discovered to be; he, unfortunate youth, has ravished her. When the brother came to know of this being done, in a most towering rage, he----
PARMENO - Did what, pray?
PYTHIAS - First, bound him in a shocking manner.
PARMENO - Bound him?
PYTHIAS - And even though Thais entreated him that he wouldn't do so----
PARMENO - What is it you tell me?
PYTHIAS - Now he is threatening that he will also do that which is usually done to ravishers; a thing that I never saw done, nor wish to.
PARMENO - With what assurance does he dare perpetrate a crime so heinous?
PYTHIAS - How "so heinous?"
PARMENO - Is it not most heinous? Who ever saw any one taken up as a ravisher in a courtesan's house?
PYTHIAS - I don't know.
PARMENO - But that you mayn't be ignorant of this, Pythias, I tell you, and give you notice that he is my master's son.
PYTHIAS - How! Prithee, is it he?
PARMENO - Don't let Thais suffer any violence to be done to him. But why don't I go in myself?
PYTHIAS - Take care, Parmeno, what you are about, lest you both do him no good and come to harm yourself; for it is their notion, that whatever has happened, has originated in you.
PARMENO - What then, wretch that I am, shall I do, or how resolve? But look, I see the old gentleman returning from the country; shall I tell him or shall I not? By my troth, I will tell him; although I am certain that a heavy punishment is in readiness for me; but it's a matter of necessity, in order that he may rescue him.
PYTHIAS - You are wise. I'm going in-doors; do you relate to him every thing exactly as it happened. Goes into the house.
Scene 5 - Enter Laches.
LACHES – (to himself.) I have this advantage from my country-house being so near at hand; no weariness, either of country or of town, ever takes possession of me; when satiety begins to come on, I change my locality. But is not that our Parmeno? Surely it is he. Whom are you waiting for, Parmeno, before the door here?
PARMENO - pretends not to see him. Who is it Turning round. Oh, I'm glad that you have returned safe.
LACHES – Whom are you waiting for?
PARMENO - aside. I'm undone: my tongue cleaves to my mouth through fright.
LACHES – Why, what is it you are trembling about? Is all quite right? Tell me.
PARMENO - Master, in the first place, I would have you persuaded of what is the fact; whatever has happened in this affair has happened through no fault of mine.
LACHES – What is it?
PARMENO - Really you have reason to ask. I ought first to have told you the circumstances. Phaedria purchased a certain Eunuch, to make a present of to this woman here.
LACHES – To what woman?
PARMENO - To Thais.
LACHES – Bought? Good heavens, I'm undone! For how much?
PARMENO - Twenty minae.
LACHES – Done for, quite.
PARMENO - Then, Chaerea is in love with a certain music-girl here. (pointing to Thais's house)
LACHES – How! What? In love? Does he know already what a courtesan means? Is he come to town? One misfortune close upon another.
PARMENO - Master, don't look so at me; he didn't do these things by my encouragement.
LACHES – Leave off talking about yourself. If I live, you hang-dog, I'll---- But first give me an account of it, whatever it is.
PARMENO - He was taken to the house of Thais in place of the Eunuch.
LACHES – In place of the Eunuch?
PARMENO - Such is the fact. They have since apprehended him in the house as a ravisher, and bound him.
LACHES – Death!
PARMENO - Mark the assurance of courtesans.
LACHES – Is there any other calamity or misfortune besides, that you have not told me of?
PARMENO - That's all.
LACHES – Do I delay rushing in here? (runs into the house of Thais)
PARMENO – (to himself) There's no doubt but that I shall have a heavy punishment for this affair, only that I was obliged to act thus. I'm glad of this, that some mischief will befall these women here through my agency, for the old man has, for a long time, been on the look-out for some occasion to do them a bad turn; at last he has found it.
Scene 6 - Enter Pythias from the house of Thais, laughing.
PYTHIAS – (to herself, on entering) Never, upon my faith, for a long time past, has any thing happened to me that I could have better liked to happen, than the old gentleman just now, full of his mistake, coming into our house. I had the joke all to myself, as I knew what it was he feared.
PARMENO – (apart) Why, what's all this?
PYTHIAS - Now I'm come out to meet with Parmeno. But, prithee, where is he? Looking around.
PARMENO – (apart) She's looking for me.
PYTHIAS - And there he is, I see; I'll go up to him.
PARMENO - What's the matter, simpleton? What do you mean? What are you laughing about? Still going on?
PYTHIAS – (laughing) I'm dying; I'm wretchedly tired with laughing at you.
PARMENO - Why so?
PYTHIAS - Do you ask? Upon my faith, I never did see, nor shall see, a more silly fellow. Oh dear, I can not well express what amusement you've afforded in-doors. And still I formerly took you to be a clever and shrewd person. Why, was there any need for you instantly to believe what I told you? Or were you not content with the crime, which by your advice the young man had been guilty of, without betraying the poor fellow to his father as well? Why, what do you suppose his feelings must have been at the moment when his father saw him clothed in that dress? Well, do you now understand that you are done for? Laughing.
PARMENO - Hah! what is it you say, you hussy? Have you been telling me lies? What, laughing still? Does it appear so delightful to you, you jade, to be making fools of us?
PYTHIAS – (laughing) Very much so.
PARMENO - Yes, indeed, if you can do it with impunity.
PYTHIAS - Exactly so.
PARMENO - By heavens, I'll repay you!
PYTHIAS - I believe you; but, perhaps, that which you are threatening, Parmeno, will need a future day; you'll be trussed up directly, for rendering a silly young man remarkable for disgraceful conduct, and then betraying him to his father; they'll both be making an example of you. Laughing.
PARMENO - I'm done for!
PYTHIAS – This reward has been found you in return for that present of yours; I'm off. Goes into the house.
PARMENO - to himself. Wretch that I am; just like a rat, this day I've come to destruction through betrayal of myself.
Scene 7 - Enter Thraso and Gnatho.
GNATHO – (to Thraso) Well now? With what hope, or what design, are we come hither? What do you intend to do, Thraso?
THRASO - What, I? To surrender myself to Thais, and do what she bids me.
GNATHO – What is it you say?
THRASO - Why any the less so, than Hercules served Omphale.
GNATHO – The precedent pleases me. Aside. I only wish I may see your head stroked down with a slipper; but her door makes a noise.
THRASO - Confusion! Why, what mischiefs this? I never saw this person before; why, I wonder, is he rushing out in such a hurry? They stand aside.
Scene 8 - Enter Chaerea from the house of Thais, on the other side of the stage.
CHAEREA – (to himself, aloud) O fellow-townsmen, is there any one alive more fortunate than me this day? Not any one, upon my faith: for clearly in me have the Gods manifested all their power, on whom, thus suddenly, so many blessings are bestowed.
PARMENO – (apart) Why is he thus overjoyed?
CHAEREA – (seeing Parmeno, and running up to him) O my dear Parmeno, the contriver, the beginner, the perfecter of all my delights, do you know what are my transports? Are you aware that my Pamphila has been discovered to be a citizen?
PARMENO - I have heard so.
CHAEREA – Do you know that she is betrothed to me?
PARMENO - So may the Gods bless me, happily done.
GNATHO – (apart to Thraso) Do you hear what he says?
CHAEREA – And then, besides, I am delighted that my brother's mistress is secured to him; the family is united. Thais has committed herself to the patronage of my father; she has put herself under our care and protection.
PARMENO - Thais, then, is wholly your brother's.
CHAEREA – Of course.
PARMENO - Then this is another reason for us to rejoice, that the Captain will be beaten out of doors.
CHAEREA – Wherever my brother is, do you take care that he hears this as soon as possible.
PARMENO - I'll go look for him at home. (goes into the house of Laches)
THRASO – (apart to Gnatho) Do you at all doubt, Gnatho, but that I am now ruined everlastingly?
GNATHO – (to Thraso) Without doubt, I do think so.
CHAEREA – (to himself) What am I to make mention of first, or commend in especial? Him who gave me the advice to do so, or myself, who ventured to undertake it? Or ought I to extol fortune, who has been my guide, and has so opportunely crowded into a single day events so numerous, so important; or my father's kindness and indulgence Oh Jupiter, I entreat you, do preserve these blessings unto us! (Enter Phaedria from the house of Laches)
PHAEDRIA – (to himself) Ye Gods, by our trust in you, what incredible things has Parmeno just related to me! But where is my brother?
CHAEREA – (stepping forward) Here he is.
PHAEDRIA – I'm overjoyed.
CHAEREA – I quite believe you. There is no one, brother, more worthy to be loved than this Thais of yours: so much is she a benefactress to all our family.
PHAEDRIA – Whew! are you commending her too to me?
THRASO – (apart) I'm undone; the less the hope I have, the more I am in love. Prithee, Gnatho, my hope is in you.
GNATHO – (apart) What do you wish me to do?
THRASO – (apart) Bring this about, by entreaties or with money, that I may at least share Thais's favors in some degree.
GNATHO – (apart) It's a hard task.
THRASO – (apart) If you set your mind on any thing, I know you well. If you manage this, ask me for any present you like as your reward; you shall have what you ask.
GNATHO – (apart) Is it so?
THRASO – (apart) It shall be so.
GNATHO – (apart) If I manage this, I ask that your house, whether you are present or absent, may be open to me; that, without invitation, there may always be a place for me.
THRASO – (apart) I pledge my honor that it shall be so.
GNATHO – (apart) I'll set about it then.
PHAEDRIA – Who is it I hear so close at hand? Turning round. O Thraso----
THRASO – (coming forward) Save you both----
PHAEDRIA – Perhaps you are not aware what has taken place here.
THRASO – I am quite aware.
PHAEDRIA – Why, then, do I see you in this neighborhood?
THRASO – Depending on your kindness.
PHAEDRIA – Do you know what sort of dependence you have? Captain, I give you notice, if ever I catch you in this street again, even if you should say to me, "I was looking for another person, I was on my road this way," you are undone.
GNATHO – Come, come, that's not handsome.
PHAEDRIA – I've said it.
GNATHO – I didn't know you gave yourself such airs.
PHAEDRIA – So it shall be.
GNATHO – First hear a few words from me; and when I have said the thing, if you approve of it, do it.
PHAEDRIA – Let's hear.
GNATHO – Do you step a little that way, Thraso. THRASO stands aside. In the firs place, I wish you both implicitly to believe me in this, that whatever I do in this matter, I do it entirely for my own sake; but if the same thing is of advantage to yourselves, it would be folly for you not to do it.
PHAEDRIA – What is it?
GNATHO – I'm of opinion that the Captain, your rival, should be received among you.
PHAEDRIA – starting. Hah!
CHAEREA – Be received?
GNATHO – (to Phaedria) Only consider. I'faith, Phaedria, at the free rate you are living with her, and indeed very freely you are living, you have but little to give; and it's necessary for Thais to receive a good deal. That all this may be supplied for your amour and not at your own expense, there is not an individual better suited or more fitted for your purpose than the Captain. In the first place, he both.has got enough to give, and no one does give more profusely. He is a fool, a dolt, a blockhead; night and day he snores away; and you need not fear that the lady will fall in love with him; you may easily have him discarded whenever you please.
CHAEREA – (to Phaedria) What shall we do?
GNATHO – And this besides, which I deem to be of even greater importance,--not a single person entertains in better style or more bountifully.
CHAEREA – It's a wonder if this sort of man can not be made use of in some way or other.
PHAEDRIA - I think so too.
GNATHO – You act properly. One thing I have still to beg of you,--that you'll receive me into your fraternity; I've been rolling that stone for a considerable time past.
PHAEDRIA - We admit you.
CHAEREA – And with all my heart.
GNATHO – Then I, in return for this, Phaedria, and you, Chaerea, make him over to you to be eaten and drunk to the dregs.
CHAEREA – Agreed.
PHAEDRIA - He quite deserves it.
GNATHO – (calling to Thraso) Thraso, whenever you please, step this way.
THRASO - Prithee, how goes it?
GNATHO – How? Why, these people didn't know you; after I had discovered to them your qualities, and had praised you as your actions and your virtues deserved, I prevailed upon them.
THRASO - You have managed well; I give you my best thanks. Besides, I never was any where but what all were extremely fond of me.
GNATHO – to PHAEDRIA and CHAEREA. Didn't I tell you that he was a master of the Attic elegance?
PHAEDRIA - He is no other than you mentioned. Pointing to his FATHER'S house. Walk this way. To the AUDIENCE. Fare you well, and grant us your applause.
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