Fit the Second
THE BELLMAN'S SPEECH
The Bellman
himself they all praised to the skies—
Such a
carriage, such ease and such grace!
Such solemnity,
too! One could see he was wise,
The moment
one looked in his face!
He had bought a
large map representing the sea,
Without the
least vestige of land:
And the crew were
much pleased when they found it to be
A map they
could all understand.
"What's the
good of Mercator's North Poles and Equators,
Tropics,
Zones, and Meridian Lines?"
So the Bellman
would cry: and the crew would reply
"They
are merely conventional signs!
"Other maps
are such shapes, with their islands and capes!
But we've
got our brave Captain to thank:"
(So the crew
would protest) "that he's bought us the best—
A perfect
and absolute blank!"
This was
charming, no doubt; but they shortly found out
That the Captain
they trusted so well
Had only one
notion for crossing the ocean,
And that was
to tingle his bell.
He was thoughtful
and grave—but the orders he gave
Were enough
to bewilder a crew.
When he cried
"Steer to starboard, but keep her head larboard!"
What on
earth was the helmsman to do?
Then the bowsprit
got mixed with the rudder sometimes:
A thing, as
the Bellman remarked,
That frequently
happens in tropical climes,
When a
vessel is, so to speak, "snarked."
But the principal
failing occurred in the sailing,
And the
Bellman, perplexed and distressed,
Said he had
hoped, at least, when the wind blew due East,
That the
ship would not travel due West!
But the danger
was past—they had landed at last,
With their
boxes, portmanteaus, and bags:
Yet at first
sight the crew were not pleased with the view,
Which
consisted of chasms and crags.
The Bellman perceived that their spirits
were low,
And repeated
in musical tone
Some jokes he had
kept for a season of woe—
But the crew
would do nothing but groan.
He served out
some grog with a liberal hand,
And bade
them sit down on the beach:
And they could
not but own that their Captain looked grand,
As he stood
and delivered his speech.
"Friends,
Romans, and countrymen, lend me your ears!"
(They were
all of them fond of quotations:
So they drank to
his health, and they gave him three cheers,
While he
served out additional rations).
"We have
sailed many months, we have sailed many weeks,
(Four weeks
to the month you may mark),
But never as yet
('tis your Captain who speaks)
Have we
caught the least glimpse of a Snark!
"We have
sailed many weeks, we have sailed many days,
(Seven days
to the week I allow),
But a Snark, on
the which we might lovingly gaze,
We have
never beheld till now!
"Come,
listen, my men, while I tell you again
The five
unmistakable marks
By which you may
know, wheresoever you go,
The
warranted genuine Snarks.
"Let us take
them in order. The first is the taste,
Which is
meagre and hollow, but crisp:
Like a coat that
is rather too tight in the waist,
With a
flavour of Will-o'-the-wisp.
"Its habit
of getting up late you'll agree
That it
carries too far, when I say
That it
frequently breakfasts at five-o'clock tea,
And dines on
the following day.
"The third
is its slowness in taking a jest.
Should you
happen to venture on one,
It will sigh like
a thing that is deeply distressed:
And it
always looks grave at a pun.
"The fourth
is its fondness for bathing-machines,
Which is
constantly carries about,
And believes that
they add to the beauty of scenes—
A sentiment
open to doubt.
"The fifth
is ambition. It next will be right
To describe
each particular batch:
Distinguishing
those that have feathers, and bite,
And those
that have whiskers, and scratch.
"For,
although common Snarks do no manner of harm,
Yet, I feel
it my duty to say,
Some are
Boojums—" The Bellman broke off in alarm,
For the
Baker had fainted away.
