Fit the Sixth
THE BARRISTER'S DREAM
They sought it
with thimbles, they sought it with care;
They pursued
it with forks and hope;
They threatened
its life with a railway-share;
They charmed
it with smiles and soap.
But the
Barrister, weary of proving in vain
That the
Beaver's lace-making was wrong,
Fell asleep, and
in dreams saw the creature quite plain
That his
fancy had dwelt on so long.
He dreamed that
he stood in a shadowy Court,
Where the Snark,
with a glass in its eye,
Dressed in gown,
bands, and wig, was defending a pig
On the
charge of deserting its sty.
The Witnesses
proved, without error or flaw,
That the sty
was deserted when found:
And the Judge kept
explaining the state of the law
In a soft
under-current of sound.
The indictment
had never been clearly expressed,
And it
seemed that the Snark had begun,
And had spoken
three hours, before any one guessed
What the pig
was supposed to have done.
The Jury had each
formed a different view
(Long before
the indictment was read),
And they all
spoke at once, so that none of them knew
One word
that the others had said.
"You must
know—" said the Judge: but the Snark exclaimed "Fudge!"
That statute
is obsolete quite!
Let me tell you,
my friends, the whole question depends
On an
ancient manorial right.
"In the
matter of Treason the pig would appear
To have aided, but scarcely abetted:
While the charge
of Insolvency fails, it is clear,
If you grant
the plea 'never indebted.'
"The fact of
Desertion I will not dispute;
But its
guilt, as I trust, is removed
(So far as
related to the costs of this suit)
By the Alibi
which has been proved.
"My poor
client's fate now depends on your votes."
Here the
speaker sat down in his place,
And directed the
Judge to refer to his notes
And briefly
to sum up the case.
But the Judge
said he never had summed up before;
So the Snark
undertook it instead,
And summed it so
well that it came to far more
Than the
Witnesses ever had said!
When the verdict
was called for, the Jury declined,
As the word
was so puzzling to spell;
But they ventured
to hope that the Snark wouldn't mind
Undertaking
that duty as well.
So the Snark
found the verdict, although, as it owned,
It was spent
with the toils of the day:
When it said the
word "GUILTY!" the Jury all groaned,
And some of
them fainted away.
Then the Snark
pronounced sentence, the Judge being quite
Too nervous
to utter a word:
When it rose to
its feet, there was silence like night,
And the fall
of a pin might be heard.
"Transportation for life" was the sentence it gave,
"And
then to be fined forty pound."
The Jury all
cheered, though the Judge said he feared
That the phrase was not legally sound.
But their wild
exultation was suddenly checked
When the
jailer informed them, with tears,
Such a sentence
would have not the slightest effect,
As the pig
had been dead for some years.
The Judge left
the Court, looking deeply disgusted:
But the
Snark, though a little aghast,
As the lawyer to
whom the defense was entrusted,
Went
bellowing on to the last.
Thus the
Barrister dreamed, while the bellowing seemed
To grow
every moment more clear:
Till he woke to
the knell of a furious bell,
Which the
Bellman rang close at his ear.
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